I am writing this either very late on Friday night or very early on Saturday morning depending on your point of view. I took a short nap after work Friday. I guess that is why I can't sleep tonight. I am also starting to get over my ear infection and have more energy. Here is my blog entry for today, Saturday...
What does it take for you to believe? For you to have faith in God? Faith in the risen Jesus Christ? We obviously don't have the honor of seeing Christ with our own eyes or putting our finger in his nail-scarred hands. What is it that makes you "believe"?
This is a very, very personal thing. Being a church going kind of guy much of my life, I have heard many takes on this. Everything from "every time I hear a little swallow chirp, I believe in God" to songs and testimonies of modern day "I have just seen Jesus".
For me, there are two reasons. First, God makes sense to me. I realized as a young child that there had to be more to life than what I had seen so far. Nothing against my family or the area where I lived or anything like that. They are all hard-working folks doing the best they can to live and love. God introduced me to the life I knew I could have somehow. A life of being better than I was. A worthy goal to work towards - godliness. I have failed miserable over and over trying to achieve this goal. The trying and the growing are the important things. Hang in there!
Second, I feel like I have conversations with God like I would talk to a trusted friend or respected advisor. Most of the conversations ended with "Yes, sir, I will do better with your help". Some ended with the teenage rant "I hate you! Why are you doing this to me?" (there weren't too many of those...)
At this point in my life, I have faith because I know that God is in my life and is doing great things. I will keep trying. I will hang in there!
Shakespeare in the Park
I attended the Actors Theater of Columbus presentation of Shakespeare in the Park "Much Ado about Nothing" on Friday night. I had some surprises. First, the acting was very good! I wasn't sure what to expect. Second, the environment was very nice -- Schiller Park. I enjoyed it. Third, I should have asked if my group was going to use blankets or chairs. Being my first time to attend, I didn't realize the impact of that decision. Everyone but me brought chairs, which meant they sat behind the "Blankets only" line. This prevents folks with chairs from blocking the view of the folks using blankets to sit on the grass. Nice idea EXCEPT when you are the only one with a blanket. I sat by myself through the show from a very close to the stage vantage point. Oh well. I talked to the rest of the group before the show and during intermission. I had good snacks. That was important. ;-)
Other Stuff
There are some things I want to write in Other Stuff today, but I am not sure if I should. Notice that I don't have a catchy theme for Saturday? I thought I would use Saturday as an overflow day for a new rant or stuff I want to elaborate on from a previous day. Here it goes -- the story of Ying and Yang. WARNING! This is a very personal topic, so stop reading here if you are not comfortable learning more about my personal life. I do not write graphic accounts of things in my blog. I do share stuff that is important to me for its therapeutic benefits.
I mentioned briefly on Wednesday about two men I nicknamed Ying and Yang. They are the two men that I tortured myself with while battling my codependency issues the past 2.5 years. I bounced back and forth between the relationships even though I knew neither of the wonderful men were right for me (refer to the "battling codependency" comment above!).
Ying is a guy I met online. Very handsome. He was interested in dating me. Please forgive me for saying, but I knew right away that he was not right for me. Something didn't seem quite right. The nicest way I can put it is directing you to the lyrics of the Kelly Clarkson song Beautiful Disaster. He was (and still is) beautiful to me. I manufactured feelings for him because I choose to see the "more heaven than a heart can hold" side of him. He knew about Yang and was horribly jealous and threatened. I always found that odd. Since our relationship was based on codependency almost entirely (except for my strong physical attraction to him), we had some extreme ups and downs. Our current status is that he is dating someone else seriously. I am staying away until we can agree on what our friendship should be. I won't be lured into the "tragedy with More damage than a soul should see" until we can do it in a healthy way for both of us. I miss our long talks and tons of laughter. I don't miss the lies and secrets that can threaten any friendship or relationship.
Yang is a different kind of guy. Very handsome. He was not interested in dating me. Again, the codependency stuff kicked in with me. There was some kind of feeling there that I didn't understand. After a few months, I figured out that God put me in his life to help him get ready for his next relationship. I really didn't understand that. It was obvious that he didn't want a romantic relationship with me no matter how much I tried to woo him (see "dealing with codependency" comment above -- hahahaha). After many extreme ups and downs with this man who runs around in the same social circles I do, he broke off our friendship again. I finally figured out what was going on with the "feelings" I was having. I have never been that good with my feelings and have been working on it. I knew I didn't have a romantic love for Yang. I promised myself that I would never fall for someone who wasn't falling for me, too. I FINALLY figured out that God had put an intense agape love (that is sort of redundant) for Yang in my heart. Agape love can be described as a love that is spiritual and selfless and a model for humanity or Love that is spiritual, not sexual, in its nature. That realization, especially after Yang stopped talking to me, was one of the teenage rants to God I mentioned earlier in this post! God taught me a few things through this experience and is still teaching me things. He put the agape love in my heart for Yang because maybe, just maybe, a strong, stubborn, formidable man like me with an agape love for Yang put in his heart by God could shine some light in the dark places in his heart so Yang could finally have the kind of loving, romantic relationship that God wanted Yang to have. Wow! What a tough gig! I did the best I could. I wish I did a better job. Frankly, I sucked at the agape love stuff. Trust me when I say that I am not meant to be with Yang as a lover or partner. God never told me that (and we are both thankful for that!). God did intend for us to be friends and help each other grow. I think of him as my spiritual younger brother. I pray for him every time I pray. I will rely on God to ensure that the codependency issues and the agape love don't swirl around in my head causing unnecessary confusion and hurtful results for both of us. Who knows? He may even talk to me again some day. I pray for God to surround our friendship with peace and light and for the reconciliation that God wants for us as brothers.
Well, alrighty then. I think I can take $50 OUT of the counseling jar after getting that off my chest! If you finished reading ALL of this, thank you very much for letting me share this with you. One of the things that God is teaching me through all of this is humility. Yes, I have my issues. Yes, I will work through them with God's help. Yes, I will have more compassion for every person who wanders through my life because of the grace that God has shown me. For those things, I can stand a little embarrassment.
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