I have a difficult time with judging. ;-( I am a smart guy who usually figures out things pretty quickly. That gift can cause me grief when I don't know all the facts or at least the important ones! I have a relationship pattern with a close friend who tells me stories in what I consider "riddles". hehehe The story finally winds around to include all the important information, but he often stops in the middle to ask my opinion. I say "I would do ZZZ or YYY". He then says "But you don't understand!" and proceeds to tell me some key information that I really needed before giving my opinion! DOH! I am better about listening to the whole story now before giving my humble opinion!
Jesus asks us to do even more than that. Don't judge too quickly. Don't jump to conclusions. "Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly."
Lord, I want to get my exercise each day, but not by jumping to conclusions or letting my mind run away without the full story!
Simply Saturday
So what do I write about today? How about the nice time I had with my close friend last night. I took him to Outback for his birthday, then we attended the Capital Pride Band concert. We were both tired and had to worry about work stuff, so we left at intermission. I plan attend the entire concert with another buddy on Sunday.
After I got home from the concert, I checked with my coworker who was working on our change activity. They hadn't started yet. I told him to call me if he needed anything. I got a call about 4:00 am. No worries. That is part of my job on occasion. We worked for two hours to figure out a few things. Almost everything worked we changed. There are some issues we need to follow up on today.
I slept in a little, then made a nice breakfast. MmmmMMmmmm ;-) Had a short conversation with my best friend. I need to do a few things around the house before driving to church to volunteer for the Emmaus walk this weekend. I am working in the kitchen. I teased a friend who also volunteers in the kitchen "try not to kill any pilgrims with your cooking!" hehehe I plan to stay for the service tonight.
So what have I learned this week? I think I figured out at least part of my "Something has changed within me" dream. Something has changed within me regarding my relationships. God has been healing my heart and mind the past three years to help me get over some personal issues like codependency and anger/frustration issues. I kept all of these things inside, which caused many health issues for me. I am thankful to say that God has worked miracles in me. He continues to do so this week.
The "Something has changed within me" dream, at least in part, meant that I am finally listening to God about what is best for me. I am doing better each day. I have my relapses at times. The change centers around the two men I called Ying and Yang in an early post. I love both men very much. I realized this week that while I had made great progress the past few years, I would melt when I would look into Yang's eyes or look at Ying's handsome face. The things that were best for me went right out the window. The first change is: I love Ying, but I am not so desperate for a relationship that I will try to push the relationship into something that is not right for either of us. Yeah, we might be able to "make it work". That is not what I worked so hard for the past three years.
As far as Yang, he has been the biggest puzzle in my entire life. I joke with my best friend that Yang's puzzle has a few pieces missing! hehehe That is why I can't solve it! ha! A new friend gave me a new perspective on why God insists on keeping Yang in my life -- "he really needs a friend". The change within me? God gave me a list of stipulations for when Yang asks me to out on a date. Yikes! My first thought was to just say "YES!" hehehe These stipulations are both me and for him so we can build trust in our relationship. Here they are:
1. Be my friend.
2. I want a belated birthday card (he never remembers my birthday)
3. The first date is at my house (he has never been to my house)
4. Delete all his online accounts (Yikes...)
5. See only me (Double yikes)
Meeting these stipulations is the only way I will go out with Yang. It is the only way I can trust him not to repeat the recurring pattern he has for his relationships. Will this ever happen? If it doesn't, I will be the best friend I can be. That is what I do... If it does happen, I will give him more adoration than he will ever need and more love that his heart can hold. That is also what I do...
I have faith that God is sending along the man I am supposed to be with. I can deposit that check in the bank... God will tell us both when the time is right, whoever he is.
Lastly, the last part of the "change within me" is strengthening my commitment to God to remain celibate until I am in a loving, committed relationship. God asked me to do this about two years ago, but I was not obedient. I made the commitment 5 1/2 months ago and have stuck with it. With each victory, God asks a little more. He never gives me more than I can bear, nor asks me to do anything that he doesn't give me the strength to do. This commitment evolved from celibacy to include getting rid of the thousands of pictures of naked men I collected over the years, the few magazines I collected and the two porn videos I owned. The latest evolution includes not satisfying myself either (that is the gentlest way I could think of saying it!).
Our God is a mighty god. He knows what is best for us even we don't know ourselves. We can trust the road he puts before us even though we can't really see where it is going.
Hang in there, my friends. I will be upbeat and steady. That is what I do...
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