Our Daily Bread
I remember loving to play sports when I was a kid, especially basketball (if you can imagine my fat a$$ playing basketball now...). hehehe There was always the big kid that everyone wanted on their team. They knew they wouldn't lose if the big kid was on their side.
Why is it so easy for us to not be afraid when the big kid is on our side, but we are afraid when we know God is on our side? I struggle with this on a regular basis. Once again, a song speaks to me during these times. It is called Sometimes I'm Samson. Read the lyrics here to see if this describes your life. I know it does mine.
So what do we do during those periods when disbelief takes hold? The key is giving all the hopes and dreams and fears and doubts over to God. Believe that God is living in you and through you, wanting you to feel His presence in ever fiber in your being. I have felt that a few times. It makes me want to give more and be more for Him.
Lord, thank you for being our strength and hope.
Witness Wednesday
This week: my 30s:
I started my 30's by "coming out". I had to decide whether or not to go back to seminary after cramming two semesters into four years. Yikes! The bad news is that the folks at the seminary were on a gay witch hunt, throwing out suspected gays. Guys like me didn't think they were gay. I thought I was bisexual with some attraction to men. That techinically was not "homosexual" so I was able to answer the "Are you a homosexual?" question on the admission application honestly with "no".
I looked in the mirror one day and asked God "What am I supposed to do?" God told me like he was standing next to me "Why are you fighting me about being gay? I made you this way for a reason. I know you can handle it even though your life will not be ordinary. Isn't a "no ordinary life" what you prayed for?" OK, I paraphrased the last part a little bit to fit the theme of this blog... ;-) I decided I had to be the real me from that day on. I started telling folks at work. I started telling my family. I found out that there was a GLBT choir staring in Louisville, so I joined it. If I was going to come out, I was going to do it on my terms -- singing!
Wow, how my life changed. I felt so much better about myself. Yes, there were doubts (and there still are today) about being who God called me to be. Yes, I feel God called me to be gay. If just one life is touched, one gay teen doesn't commit suicide, one gay person starts a relationship with God when he thought one was not possible, then my no ordinary life has been worth it. God has made my life so rich in so many ways. I cannot begin to express all the blessing nor my gratitude.
At first, I was embarrassed to admit the kind of guy I was attracted to. I didn't like skinny men or the usual gay stereotype. I liked big, hairy guys. A friend told me "Oh, you like bears". My life was changed again! There were guys out there like me, who I liked and who liked me! I didn't have to spend my life hanging out with hairdressers and decorators! (not that there is anything wrong with that). I have to admit that I was a slut the first few years I was out. I went to bear runs. I dated a lot. I slept around. I am not proud of that.
At age 36, my life changed again. I met a man. It was like a "Dreamweaver" moment when I saw him across the bar. Sparks flew when I touched his hand. They continued to fly for several years after that. My ex was the first man I ever loved. I am thankful for him. Our relationship lasted for 11.5 years. I will talk more about that in my 40s posting. ;-)
Other Stuff
I went to see the movie Win-Win last night. It was interesting. I had supper at Outback after that. I had a gift card to use up.
I am having a weird week. I am not sure what is going on, but I will do my best to run with it as best I can. I will write more about it as I feel comfortable.
Hang in there, my friends. I will be upbeat and steady. That is what I do...
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