What is my motivation...

Our Daily Bread
Have you ever seen the movies about actors who may or may not know what they are doing with their part, so they ask the director "What is my motivation?"  hehehe  Once again the devotional spoke to me like an arrow aimed for my heart!

I was praying last night.  I didn't realize until this morning that I was actually bargaining with God.  "I have been trying so hard...  Why can't have the thing that I want the most?"  I realized this morning, and was embarrassed by the fact, that I was doing the right things for the wrong reasons.  I was acting like a child with Santa Claus.  If I am not on the naughty list, I deserve the things I asked for on my Christmas list!  NOT!  I am not going to get my deepest desires met until I do the right things for the right reasons -- for the HONOR of serving our Lord and to live the no-ordinary-life that only God's children can lead!!

Lord, help each of us to do the right things for the right reasons.  I love you and want to serve you. 

Witness Wednesday
I graduated from college when I was 22 years old.  I spent a few years in what I call "the wilderness" working in a secular job and being a part-time minister of music in a Southern Baptist church.  I worked in a nursing home for a few years. I even considered skipping seminary and being a nursing home administrator for a vocation.  I finally packed up my car and moved to Louisville, Kentucky to attend the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.  It was a horrible experience for me!  I had a horrible time financially.  I worked two or three jobs to make ends meet and they still didn't meet!  I worked this much while still trying to go to school.  I had pretty good grades except for my piano class. I didn't have time to practice so I got a "C".  ;-( 

I had to drop out of school my second semester due to my financial issues.  God told me in my prayers that things would get worse before they would get better.  I confided in a friend that God was going to allow something to happen to me, but not to worry.  God said it would all work out.  Shortly after that I found a lump in a place where there weren't supposed to be any lumps.  ;-(  I had cancer.  The treatment required two surgeries and four months of chemotherapy.  I was a scared, broke seminary student.  I had no idea how I was going to handle all of this. 

It is amazing the freedom that you can have when you place everything in God's hands.  There were days that I would get four pieces of mail.  The first three would be bills that I had no money to pay.  The fourth envelope would contain a check for the amount I needed.  God provided for me over and over again, including the faith to know that I was cured even when the doctors said I wasn't.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God cured me.  BTW, I celebrated 25 years of being cancer free on April 1, 2011!  Praise God!

After recovering from cancer, I worked as much as I could to get back on my feet financially.  I worked in a pawn shop for a few years.  I worked in a tennis club.  I sold auto parts.  Whatever I could do to make ends meet.  I attended church regularly, which was good and bad.  I knew at this point in my life that I was not a bisexual who preferred women.  I was gay.  I expressed this by having crushes on straight guys that I knew would never return my affection.  I was living in a fantasy world.  The problem was that I didn't know any gay people that weren't flaming hairdressers!  I knew I would not fit in with that crowd at all. 

After a second attempt at going to seminary, I looked in the mirror one evening asking God "What am I supposed to do?  I have fought this gay thing for so many years.  What am I supposed to do?"  God gently told me "Why are you fighting me on this?  I made you this way for a reason.  Be the man I made you.  There are others out there that need you to be the man I made you to be."  That talk with God changed my life.  I started using the phrase "God called me to be gay..."  My conservative Southern Baptist friends LOVED that!


I will talk about my coming out and where my life went next during my 30s...

Other Stuff
I started a new book last night.  God really touched me through the first chapter.  I don't know where this road will take me, but I know I need to walk down it.  I have no frickin' clue where I am going at this point.  What does it matter as long as God is leading?  I try soooooo hard to live by that statement, but I can't honestly say that I do.

I am very thankful for God working in my life.  As I wrote yesterday, I had a desire of my heart answered recently.  I am thankful.  I am doing my best to have faith that God help me realize my other desires that he brought to my heart. 

Hang in there, my friends.  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...