We have hope...

Our Daily Bread
Having a true hope in Christ is something that I have always been taught about in Sunday School, church camp and sermons.  For many years, I didn't realize exactly what that meant.  Once I started understanding it more, I had a hard time explaining it. to folks.  The past few years I used the expression "a quiet, confident joy" to explain my hope in Christ.  I read that in another devotional and loved it!

Today's devotional has two sentences that I love:

The hope we read about in Scripture is not a vague, wishy-washy optimism. Instead, biblical 

hope is a strong and confident expectation that what God has promised in His Word He will accomplish.

Wow!  I couldn't have said it better myself!  hehehe  We have all seen vague, wishy-washy optimism.  It is sort of like a poorly designed or built levee -- it falls away at the first sign of a flood! God WILL accomplish what he promised!  No, we are not to pout around until we get the things that God promised.  We are to continue serving him as best we can regardless of our circumstances.  Amen!

Lord, thank you for your promises.  I want a quiet, confident joy in the knowledge that you will fulfill your promises.  Thank you!

Witness Wednesday
I am going to write about my 40's in two separate entries -- pre-breakup and post-breakup.  My life has been very, very different in each phase.

Pre-breakup Years
I started my 40's by moving from Louisville to the Cincinnati area for what I thought was a cool job.  Lots of opportunity for growth.  Opportunity for travel.  More money.  The 3.5 years in Cincinnati were odd at best.  There were too many ups and downs to write about!  I sang with the Cincinnati Mens Chorus on and off during my time there.  I had three jobs in 3.5 years, which was ODD!  I had a wonderful house in a wonderful neighborhood even though it was out in the boonies! 

My ex and I struggled making friends because we lived so far away from town.  It was a 35 mile drive to downtown Cincy and about 45 miles to where our closest friends lived in Northern Kentucky.  We spent a lot of time to ourselves.  We spent a lot of our social time with my ex's friends from school since they lived much closer than our gay friends.  It was odd...

In 2002, my grandmother passed away.  That was a very difficult time for me in many ways.  I was out of work at the time.  My ex was hoping I would find a job sooner rather than later.  We both hoped we wouldn't have to move again, even though I interviewed in Columbus for the same job that eventually brought me here. 

My last job in Cincy was a horrible experience for me.  I was there for 18 months.  My manager made the experience what it was.  I knew I was in trouble from the first interview.  After being at the company for three weeks, a total stranger came up to me and said "I am sorry you are having such a negative experience here.  It is not that way everywhere in the company".  Wow!  After struggling to fit in for 18 months, I finally got the job I wanted in Columbus.  I moved my ex yet again from a stable job environment to a new place.  It was very difficult for him. 

We settled in very quickly after we moved to Columbus.  We had already made some friends before we moved here.  It was very cool.  It felt very right.  The new job was going great.  I was having a great experience at work, at home and socially.  Life was good!

A few years after we moved to Columbus, I started to realize that I had doubts about my relationship.  We had been together about nine years at that point.  I am a stubborn man.  I didn't want to give up easily.  I tried to make it work.  My ex tried to make it work.  We broke up in July 2007.   It was the most difficult period in my life.  When you can't imagine spending one more day with someone, it is difficult to actually spend the rest of your life with him.  ;-(  My life changed again.  I knew deep in my heart breaking up was the right thing.  It was so very difficult to actually do it.

Next week...  Post breakup 40s...

Other stuff
Wow! I got to see the 3D version of the new Transformers movie last night!  Very cool!  The 3D stuff was actually pretty cool.  The theater was pretty full as well.  There were some other gay guys sitting behind me so I talked with them before and after the movie.  I will review the movie on Monday.

I had dinner with a buddy last night.  We talked for almost 1.5 hours.  We had a good time.

I stopped by the Giant Eagle Marketplace in Upper Arlington on my way back downtown to see the movie.  They had Red Cat and White Cat wines ON SALE!  Woohooo!  They only had one bottle of Red Cat the last time I was there.  My dinner group drank that up in a flash!  My hero asked me if I was going take some to Chicago with me this weekend.  I will have to think about that...

God reminded me last night that something amazing is coming up.  I also remembered that the something amazing may not be a single event, but rather my no ordinary life if I live it in Him...

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

What a whiner...

Our Daily Bread
The devotional today is about suffering for Christ.  Personally, I don't really suffer that much.  I just sort of whine about being inconvenienced!  It is true!  Most of suffering I have endured in my life is due to my own sins or genetics.  That is not real suffering as far as I am concerned!

So what is true suffering?  I think it is a relative thing for each person.  What one person calls suffering is what someone else would call a day in the park!  The challenge is to be supportive of all people in whatever phase they are in or whatever suffering they are in.  Loving and caring them no matter what, regardless of how you see their suffering compared to yours.  Don't compare!

Lord, thank you for being with  me regardless of the circumstances...

Training Tuesday
I am working on my plans for this Fall.  I was asked to be "on team" for the mens' Emmaus Walk in September.  We start meetings the last weekend in July.  Please be in prayer for me about that.  I will be praying about it as well.  I am a little concerned about a possible issue, but I think it will be fine.

I also talked to our assistant minister about teaching a class or two at church.  She asked me about one of the classes.  I suggested the other one.  I am supposed to meet with her this week to work out the schedule.  I am so excited!

I also contacted a training company about a possible class that culminates in a certification.  I will see about that as well.  I need to make time for singing this Fall.  I will figure that out as well.  Should be a great year!

Other Stuff
I ran some errands last night, then did some stuff around the house.  I finished laundry and got packed for my Chicago trip.  I am feeling better as my hormone implant is starting to work.  I am thankful!

I am following the road to the next big thing.  I don't know where it will end, but I know God is leading.  Wow!

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Legacy...

Our Daily Bread
I was talking to a friend last week about "legacy", what will folks think and say about me after I die.  Good friend?  Weirdo?  Overachiever?  Fat, bald, overweight gay guy?  Faithful Christian?

The scripture passage gave the recommendation of a faithful worker sent to assist the folks at Philippi.  What a glowing recommendation!  Very cool!

I hope folks can say something like that about me!

Lord, I want to leave a legacy that makes you proud that I am your child...

Movie Monday
I went crazy with the movies this week.  I saw five...  I know.  I need a life.  hehehe  I didn't feel well, so movies were easy to do for me.  Here we go...

Midnight in Paris
I didn't realize this was a Woody Allen film when a friend told me about it.  I like it very much.  You will like it too if you like his earlier movies.  Owen Wilson played a character similar to what Woody Allen played in earlier films.  It was interesting.  The plot was Wilson's character would be picked up by an old limo at the strike of midnight.  The rest of the night was spend in his "golden era" with his literary and artistic heros.  It was very interesting.

I give this movie 3 bear paws.  You can rent this one.

Cars 2
Cars 2 was adorable.  I think I liked it more than the first one.  I tried not to think about the reviews or how much sense the whole cars thing really meant.  The characters were funny and more charming.  The story line was interesting.  It wasn't all about the race car this time.  I saw it in 3D.  It was nice.

I give this movie 2 bear paws.  See it at the theater.

Bad Teacher
OH, my, Bad, bad bad teacher!  There were some very funny parts in this movie.  If you are a teacher, you will probably think "That sooooo can't happen" then laugh your butt off!  hehehe

I give this movie 2 bear paws.

Mr Poppers Penguins
Very, very cute movie!  Very odd movie, but very cute. Take the kids.  They will love it.

I give this movie 2 bear paws.

Other Stuff
I rested at home last night and then took a walk in the pleasant evening.  It was nice walking outside.  I also did a little laundry and some reading.  Nice day.

I am planning my trip to Chicago next weekend.  I am staying in the Schaumberg area, which I enjoy.  I will figure out what I want to do when I get there.  I am thinking about going to the Taste of Chicago, see the art museum and maybe see some fireworks.  I will write about it, I am sure...

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Haven't felt like a conqueror...

Our Daily Bread
I loved the scripture and the message of the devotional today.  God spoke to me again about how he is with me (us) and how he wants me (us) to be whole.  Hallelujah!

Lately, I have not felt like a conqueror.  I don't feel like "I can do all things through Christ".  I have felt like I let God down and myself down.  So why am I writing about this?  One of the things that God is perfecting in me is "being real".  For many years, I was a solid, steady man on the outside, but as a friend says, a "hot mess" on the inside!  I was not real.  God is working on making the core of me the way he wants it to be so my core can shine through to the outside.  This has been intense to say the least.  Did I mention this has been intense!  hehehe

During the process, God helped me to realize more about myself.  To compare my personality to a Biblical character, I am more like David from the Old Testament than I am like Luke from the New Testament.  Yes, I try to be upbeat and steady.  That is not always what is happening from my core.  When I am not upbeat and steady, it is usually because God is doing some more purification work (like yesterday).  I usually prefer to be alone.  I try not to think about my scenarios.  I try to pray or yell or whisper what is really on my heart to God.

What Biblical character are you like?

Lord, I want to know myself so I can better determine your will and hear your voice.

Psalm Sunday
So after working through thirteen psalms so far, I finally figured out why God had me do this series -- so I could learn more about myself from my role model, David.  As I mentioned above, I am probably more like David than I am any other Biblical character I read about.  Let's look at Psalm 14:

Psalm 14

For the director of music. Of David.
 1 The fool says in his heart,
   “There is no God.”
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
   there is no one who does good.

 2 The LORD looks down from heaven
   on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
   any who seek God.
3 All have turned away, all have become corrupt;
   there is no one who does good,
   not even one.

 4 Do all these evildoers know nothing?

   They devour my people as though eating bread;
   they never call on the LORD.
5 But there they are, overwhelmed with dread,
   for God is present in the company of the righteous.
6 You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor,
   but the LORD is their refuge.

 7 Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!
   When the LORD restores his people,
   let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!

The more I read the psalms of David, the more I learn about myself.  I see how I pray sort of follows the ups and down like David's prayers.  Music speaks to him more than anything.  He expresses himself best through music.  He is a natural leader.  He does things when others aren't brave enough to even try.  Yeah, that is me. God had me start this series so I can learn how David became more upbeat and steady.  I can do this...


Other Stuff
I had a restful day on Saturday.  I ran a few errands.  I did some reading.  I mowed the lawn.  I watched a couple of old movies.  It was a good day except for the "thinking too much" part.  God is trying to teach me about motivation.  About leading where I need to go.  About being open to his will.

Going to early church and then the movies today.  I will rest when I get home.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Turn left now...

Our Daily Bread
I remember when my best friend got a car with a GPS in the dash.  It was so cool!  He would program in where to go and the GPS would talk him through the instructions.  We quickly noticed that the GPS was not always accurate.  He was driving on I-270, the loop around Columbus, when the voice said "Turn left now".  He would have ended up in the median!

Fortunately, our heavenly GPS, the Holy Spirit, will not lead us astray like that.  Will we always know exactly where we are going?  Probably not.  As I said many times in this blog, where does it matter where the road ends up as long as God is leading.

Are you relying on God to provide your life directions?  Trust me when I say I KNOW it is difficult.  Please know that God knows the desires of our hearts, sometimes even before we realize them.  How cool is that?  ;-)

Lord, set the direction for my life.  Please make is so.

Simply Saturday
Well, I resisted using the Star Trek references while talking about the devotional this morning. hehehe  I can imagine God saying something like my prayer above.  "Duane, do your prayers and Bible study.  Make is so" like Captain Picard would on The Next Generation.  hehehe  I know I sometimes argue back to God "I am giving it all she's got, Captain!"  I know my dilythium crystals have been running low recently.  I had my latest batch of testosterone pellets installed on Thursday.  I cam feeling a little better already.  I feel like I am getting my energy levels back a little.  They will fully kick in during the next few days.  Whew...

I had a bizarre week, but it had an amazing bright spot.  After all I have been through and as hard as I have been working and praying, I feel like I am finally starting to live the quiet, confident joy from the inside out.  I have been "making is so" with sheer will power in my mind.  That failed because it is not the right approach.  The right approach is to let God provide the spark, and then let the Holy Spirit build the flame by letting him flow through you with his holy wind.

There were times this week when I felt the quiet, confident joy more than ever before.  I am finally learning to chose to let the joy show through even when my mind and body don't feel like it.  For me, it is like sitting around a camp fire.  You can choose to stand close enough to the camp fire where you can feel its warmth and bask in its glow.  You can also choose to stand far away from the camp fire or even turn your back on it where you don't really feel it.

Change topic: I want a tattoo.  I have wanted one for years, but didn't know what to get.  I like the idea of barbed wire or a Celtic band around my arm, but those things really don't mean much to me personally.  An article I read suggested getting something that really means something to you.  I decided on two tattoos, one on each arm.  I want a lamp with the words "Thy Word", representing God's Word being a light until my path, on one arm.  I want a flame representing the Holy Spirit on the other arm.  I decided that those two symbols mean a lot to me.  I will post pictures when I finally get them.  ;-)

I went to the Exile last night.  Yes, I know I rarely go to the bars.  I went to help sell stuff for Bear Camp, an event that raises money for charity.  The bar was bare, hehehe, so we just talked for a few hours.  I remember why I don't go out much.  ;-p  I have to admit that I felt awkward and like I didn't belong there.  Hmmmmm, maybe that is why I rarely go?

I need to run some errands and do some stuff around the house today.  I plan to read and rest the remainder of the weekend.  I am looking forward to the amazing thing that God has for me.  I hope you are, too.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Accept whatever comes your way...

Our Daily Bread
I hadn't heard the translation of the chapter I read from Job from today's devotional.  I loved Job 2:10.  Should we accept only good from God and not trouble (or adversity)?  Wow!  I know I get pretty picky sometimes about what I want to accept from God!  Oooohhhhh nooooo, I don't want no bad news!  heheehe

It is difficult at times when God is working in your life.  Not just working through troubles, but explaining to your friends what is going on.  God asked me to give up some things in my life.  My friends have no clue why.  "That is OK.  It is not wrong to do "  I respond: "No it is not wrong, however God asked me to give this up for a while.  Sort of a mid-year Lent to help me build my stamina and determination with spiritual things.  I am no Job, but I know what adversity is like.  I want to work through the adversity in my life by trusting God more.  I want to help others through their adversity by being supportive and not judgmental (like Job's wife).  

Is there adversity in your life?  The answer is "yes" if you are human!  How are you dealing with it?

God, thank you for being with me during good times and during adversity.  

Foodie Friday
So the recipe this week is a favorite of mine, but it seems to gross out a lot of my friends -- liver and onions.  I love liver and onions when it is made correctly meaning not tough!  I think the key is getting the liver at a store with better than average meat, preferably fresh instead of frozen.  The type of onion affects the taste as well.  I prefer yellow onions.

2 pounds beef liver
2 large yellow onions, chopped
spices to taste: sea salt, pepper, garlic powder
flour
olive oil

Heat the olive oil in a frying pan until hot.  Add the chopped onions, stirring frequently.  Cook down until they are clear.  Put some flour on a plate or cutting board and roll the liver in the flour until coated evenly.  I prefer to sprinkle the seasoning on the liver when it is cooking instead of adding it to the flour.  It is your choice.  Add the flour-coated liver to the frying pan.  Season to taste.  Brown the liver on both sides, then turn down the heat and cover.  Cook for about 10 minutes.

Serve with good old mashed potatoes and green beans.  You can also add mushrooms to the mix as well and top the mushrooms and onions with two slices of bacon (like Mimi's Cafe).  Mmmmm!  FYI, if you really hate liver you can make this recipe with ground chuck patties.

Other Stuff
Not sure what I want to do tonight.  A part of me wants to go a concert at ComFest and then go to Exile to help out with the last Bear Camp bar night.  Another part of me wants to see Cars 2 and then go home and go to bed.  I hope the new testosterone implants kick in soon.  I could use the energy and the metabolism boost!  I had them installed yesterday.

I was asked if I was interested in being on an Emmaus team this Fall.  That would be great.  God is leading me to serve more and not be as much of an observer.  I can do this with His help.

I received two emails from a close friend yesterday.  It made my day.

I am waiting with a quiet, confident joy for what God has in store for me.  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Yet another song...

Our Daily Bread
Yes, I know.  Songs speak to me and I mention them a lot.  At least I don't have garden gnomes speaking to me!  hehehe  The song for today is Empty Me.  God used this song to start my journey down my road to deal with my pride, selfishness and arrogance.  I have to admit that this is a work in progress.  Like everyone, I still have my "Oh no, he didn't!" moments.  I don't always react well in those scenarios.  Yikes!

The devotional talks about pride.  About how humility trumps pride in the kingdom of God.  I was reminded of the wristbands worn by some friends of mine over the weekend.  Apparently there was a VIP tent at the Columbus Pride Festival that had free food and open bar for the folks wearing a VIP wristband.  Imagine how embarrassing it would be to try to enter the tent without a wristband?  That is sort of what Jesus was talking about in his stories.  We should always assume a humble stance in all situations, then let the host lift us to our rightful place rather than being smacked down to a lower place!  Ouch!

Lord, it is hard to be humble.  Please help me be your humble servant and be humble for you.


Technology Thursday
I had an interesting meeting yesterday with some folks from RIM (Research in Motion), the company that makes BlackBerry and Playbook devices.  If you follow the technology news, RIM is getting pounded in market share and stock price due to their lack of devices that are competitive with iOS (iPhones) and Android devices.  They have lost market share and new sales to those two types of devices every quarter in the past 18 months.  Not a good thing. 

I like this company.  I have met several folks from their upper management while representing my employer at customer meetings.  I am sorry to say this, but RIM lives in "they just don't get it" land.  Yes, the new devices they are releasing in the next few months are pretty good -- for 2010!  They will not be that competitive for 2011 or 2012.  Only one of the devices supports the 4G (actually HSPA+) speeds on current mobile networks.  None of them support LTE (Verizon and Sprint's 4G implementation that is faster than HSPA+).  The processors in the high end phones are 1.2 mhz processors while many of the new high end phones coming out from competitors have dual-core processors.  They are spending time and money with "cute" interface tweaks that don't really add much value.  They showed a demo of a new calculator app that had a simulation of a adding machine tape that "tore" off each time the C button was hit.  Wow.  That blew my socks off.  Not! 

I hope they move through "they just don't get it" land soon.  I am not sure they will.  The other problem is that their server software, their bread and butter competitive advantage over the competition is buggy.  We brought that up as our highest priority.

We will see what happens.  I will write about it here.  ;-)

Other Stuff
I have been in movie mode this week.  I will review them all on Monday.  I plan to do stuff around the house and read this weekend.  I may attend a concert at ComFest on Friday night.  A friend plays in a band that I like.  I will let you know what I do.

I had a revelation last night.  Something is going to happen.  Something big.  Not sure what or when.  God is preparing me.  I will do my best to be ready.  I have had this feeling many times in my life.  It can be exciting.  It is a time to trust God no matter where the road leads. 

Hang in there, my friends.  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Nothing to fear, but fear itself...

Our Daily Bread
I remember loving to play sports when I was a kid, especially basketball (if you can imagine my fat a$$ playing basketball now...). hehehe There was always the big kid that everyone wanted on their team.  They knew they wouldn't lose if the big kid was on their side.

Why is it so easy for us to not be afraid when the big kid is on our side, but we are afraid when we know God is on our side?  I struggle with this on a regular basis.  Once again, a song speaks to me during these times.  It is called Sometimes I'm Samson.  Read the lyrics here to see if this describes your life.  I know it does mine.

So what do we do during those periods when disbelief takes hold?  The key is giving all the hopes and dreams and fears and doubts over to God.  Believe that God is living in you and through you, wanting you to feel His presence in ever fiber in your being.  I have felt that a few times.  It makes me want to give more and be more for Him. 

Lord, thank you for being our strength and hope.

Witness Wednesday
This week: my 30s:
I started my 30's by "coming out".  I had to decide whether or not to go back to seminary after cramming two semesters into four years.  Yikes!  The bad news is that the folks at the seminary were on a gay witch hunt, throwing out suspected gays.  Guys like me didn't think they were gay.  I thought I was bisexual with some attraction to men.  That techinically was not "homosexual" so I was able to answer the "Are you a homosexual?" question on the admission application honestly with "no". 

I looked in the mirror one day and asked God "What am I supposed to do?"  God told me like he was standing next to me "Why are you fighting me about being gay?  I made you this way for a reason.  I know you can handle it even though your life will not be ordinary.  Isn't a "no ordinary life" what you prayed for?"  OK, I paraphrased the last part a little bit to fit the theme of this blog...  ;-)  I decided I had to be the real me from that day on.  I started telling folks at work.  I started telling my family.  I found out that there was a GLBT choir staring in Louisville, so I joined it.  If I was going to come out, I was going to do it on my terms -- singing! 

Wow, how my life changed.  I felt so much better about myself.  Yes, there were doubts (and there still are today) about being who God called me to be.  Yes, I feel God called me to be gay.  If just one life is touched, one gay teen doesn't commit suicide, one gay person starts a relationship with God when he thought one was not possible, then my no ordinary life has been worth it.  God has made my life so rich in so many ways.  I cannot begin to express all the blessing nor my gratitude. 

At first, I was embarrassed to admit the kind of guy I was attracted to.  I didn't like skinny men or the usual gay stereotype.  I liked big, hairy guys.  A friend told me "Oh, you like bears".  My life was changed again!  There were guys out there like me, who I liked and who liked me!  I didn't have to spend my life hanging out with hairdressers and decorators! (not that there is anything wrong with that).  I have to admit that I was a slut the first few years I was out.  I went to bear runs.  I dated a lot.  I slept around.  I am not proud of that.

At age 36, my life changed again.  I met a man.  It was like a "Dreamweaver" moment when I saw him across the bar.  Sparks flew when I touched his hand.  They continued to fly for several years after that.  My ex was the first man I ever loved.  I am thankful for him.  Our relationship lasted for 11.5 years.  I will talk more about that in my 40s posting.  ;-)


Other Stuff
I went to see the movie Win-Win last night.  It was interesting.  I had supper at Outback after that.  I had a gift card to use up.

I am having a weird week.  I am not sure what is going on, but I will do my best to run with it as best I can.  I will write more about it as I feel comfortable.

Hang in there, my friends.  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Whither thou goest...

Our Daily Life
I remember the song based on the speech by Ruth to Naomi: Whither thou goest, I will go.  The irony is that song is sung at weddings a lot.  It was originally spoken by one woman to another (a mother in law)!

I liked the devotional summary:

In all the setbacks of your life as a believer,
God is plotting for your joy. —John Piper

The question I have for us is: Are we ready to accept God's joy?  Are we ready to have the quiet, confident joy that only God can give no matter what our circumstances?  For me, my mind usually tries to manufacture stuff like this, then my heart finally follows along much later.  ;-p  For example, my mind thought I was over some anger towards a friend.  My heart pushed me to lash back after he hurt me in an email last week.  I thought my mind and heart had both moved past the "you hurt me, I hurt you" cycle.  We are fine now after I apologized (he didn't even realize what he said).  I am praying that he has more sensitivity.

Prepare for joy.  Accept it.  Don't live in the past.

Lord, thank you for the joy you offer me each day.  Help me to accept it -- joyfully!  


Teaching Tuesday
I have been thinking and praying about some stuff lately.  That is good, right?  ;-)  I have been trying to do some centering prayer where I focus for a while on listening to God and being more sensitive to listening throughout the day.

I am also trying to focus my prayers since I am still learning about discernment.  Yes, I am honest with God about what I want -- healing, peace, a relationship, etc.  I am also sensitive to the fact that there may be reasons for things not happening or not happening when I want them to happen.  God is not a jeanie in a bottle.  He is the almighty God.  He wants us all to be whole.  Being whole can mean different things for different people.  For example, I finally asked God to help me with the root cause of some of my illnesses - my eating habits and my weight.  It seems simple, but why should God heal me of my diabetes-related illnesses if I am going to continue my destructive behavior of eating poorly?  It only makes sense.

Think and pray about these things in your life.  God will listen.  God wants to make you whole -- whatever that means for you.

Other Stuff
I went to see Mr Popper's Penguins last night.  I enjoyed it much more than I planned...  hehehe  Very cute movie.

I was very tired, so I came home and went to bed.  Whew...  I feel better this morning.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

It's only words...

Our Daily Bread
An old BeeGees song talks about Words.  "Words are all I have to take your heart away..."  The devotional today talks about words.  I don't think they are related, but they might be...  hehehe

The link that I make between the song and the devotional is that words are not the only thing God has to touch our hearts.  Yes, his words move and touch us in the Bible, even the shortest of the Psalms can speak to us for centuries.  Who knew that Gentiles would even be in the equation at that time?  That was revolutionary.

God also speaks to us through his Holy Spirit.  It is cool that nothing can separate us from God's love.  His Spirit pours out amongst us when we ask.  The only thing that can keep us from feeling God's love is us -- we can block our own feeling of His love for many reasons. 

Lord, Help me to feel your love in my life.  Please use me to show your love to others.

Movie Monday
I got to see two movies last week: Soul Surfer and Green Lantern.  I enjoyed them both, but for different reasons.

Soul Surfer
When I talk about how gives me what I need, when I need it, I will use Monday night and this movie as an example.  I was a little down because my prayer group decided not to meet.  I did something really stupid Sunday night that I needed to deal with.  God lead me to this movie.  I was surprised by the religious aspects of the movie.  DOH!  SOUL surfer...  DOH!  hehehe  Seeing the way that God worked in this girl's life after a shark bit off one of her arms.  Her story and her attitude continues to inspire folks around the world.

I give this movie three bear paws because of the story and the way that religion was expressed as a natural way of life.

Green Lantern
OK, I understand that not everyone likes comic book movies, especially critics.  I liked this movie.  Didn't love it, but I liked it.  It was a little slow and awkward in some places.  In other places, it was quite good.  It sort of felt like they setup the big fight scene at the end for 90 minutes.  I liked the movie because of the story line and the history of the Green Lantern character.  I also liked the "we are human, but we are growing" theme through the movie.  I related that to my spiritual life -- being given a tremendous responsibility with a tremendous gift.  ;-)

I give this movie two bear paws.  See it at the theater for the special effects.

Other Stuff
I had a relaxing day on Sunday.  I went to late church to give my walking buddy's husband his Fathers Day card.  I really enjoyed the sermon.  I also felt God leading me to apologize to someone for writing a stupid email last week.  I don't know what will happen with this person, but I know I did the right thing by apologizing.  I praise God for his healing power as I move forward in my life.

I finished the book Stretch out your Hand last night.  I need to reread the book again.  I will also go through the study guide.  I feel God leading me in this ministry, but I have no idea in what capacity.  I think I am too vain and arrogant to be a leader in a healing service.  I will write about what happens. 

I plan to go to the gym tonight after work, then go watch some friends play softball if the weather allows.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Almost any man can be a father, few can be a real dad...

Our Daily Bread
The whole Fathers Day thing has eluded me most of my life.  My mother was married four times.  I never knew my biological father.  I was fortunate to have several father figures in my life over the years.   Most recently, my walking buddy's husband.  I bought him a Fathers Day card this year.  ;-)

So in writing about being a father, I fall rather short...  hehehe  I can say, however, that guys like me can be mentors to young people.  There are organizations, such as Kaleidoscope that offer services for GLBT youth.  There are lots of opportunities for being a father figure even if you aren't a father!

My Heavenly Father, I want to be a witness for you in whatever role I can, including being a father figure.

Special Edition - Columbus Pride Holiday
Saturday was a pretty good day!  There were a LOT of clouds, but they didn't pour down like we thought they would.  There was some light rain about 2:00, after the parade ended.  It was a little sticky with the humidity, but it was not bad at all.  The parade was huge was you can see from the picture of the staging area before the parade started.

I enjoyed marching with the Pride group from my employer.  We had a great group turn out to march with us.  Our goal was 100 folks.  I think we made our goal.  We marched with a 'branded" car.  It was very cool marching past our corporate headquarters representing our company!

Here are some shots of the number of people watching the parade.  OMG!  What a great turnout!

The Pride Festival was enjoyable.  I didn't walk around very much.  I spend most of my time around the CUB (the bears club in Columbus) helping out.  I got to know some of the guys in the club that I hadn't gotten to know before.  It was fun.

I was "gayed out" after we took down the CUB booth.   I went to see the movie The Green Lantern.  I will review that flick tomorrow on my Movie Monday blog entry.

Going to church today and then take it easy.  I need to do laundry and finish a book.  I don't think I will attend Bat n Rouge this afternoon.  Been there, done that.

If you are gay, consider being out and proud.  If you are not, consider supporting any friends or family members who are.  Life is too short to hate.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Lack of focus...

Our Daily Bread
I was at the movie theater a few weeks ago (go figure...).  When the movie came on, the projector was out of focus.  How frustrating was that?  We finally got in touch with the theater folks to fix the issue.  The movie was much more enjoyable when it was in focus!

Our lives are sort of like that movie.  God tries to get through to us that our lives are out of focus.  It can be frustrating for him to watch the movies of our lives this way!  If we listen to the Holy Spirit, it can help us focus our lives so they are much more enjoyable to watch for God and for us!

I need to confess that I have been out of focus.  I have put some things in front of my relationship with God.  My life movie has not been as enjoyable to watch (or play a part in) as what it should be.  Thank God that the Spirit has gotten through to me.  I am doing my best to get and retain focus.  I know God will meet my needs.  I know God loves me no matter what.  I (we) need to live in focus and do what we can to serve Him.

Lord, I don't want my life movie to look like a 3D movie with the glasses off!  I want it to be an Oscar winner for you!

Special edition - Columbus Pride Holiday
I had an interesting (errrr, wet) time last night.  I got caught in the nasty story that pummeled downtown Columbus between 4 - 5 pm.  It cleared up towards 5:00 and was very nice for a few hours.  Most of the stuff in the CUB booth dried out.  We had a nice few hours during my time volunteering.

I went to a party with my walking buddy afterwards.  It was interesting.  Some of the folks were nice.  Some not so much.  I had a nice time.  It was good to spend some time with my walking buddy after not walking with her for a few weeks.  She will be out of town next week as well.  I told her husband that I would sit with him at church on Sunday.

Off to the parade and festival now.  It should be a fun day, even if the rain doesn't hold off until tonight.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

More to be desired than of gold....

Our Daily Bread
There is a chorus I used to sing as a youth that goes something like "more to be desired than of gold, yeah, of much fine gold....  Sweeter also than honey, and the honeycomb".  It is based a on a Bible verse from Psalms or Proverbs I think. 

So what role should money play in our lives?  It is a difficult question.  The society in the USA continually pushes us to make more money and to acquire more stuff.  You are what you own.  That is completely different from what the Bible says!  We are who we are in the name of God!  We are his children regardless of how much we own or how much money we make. 

It is easy to say.  It is not so easy to live, especially when you don't have enough money to do the basic things in life (or what we see as basic things).  We also have a tendency in church to elevate the big givers.  That is not good either.  Recognizing each person for their contributions is what God wants us to do, regardless of the size or type of contribution!

Lord, I want to fill my life with you and your good works, not with "stuff".

Special Edition -- Columbus Pride Holiday
Here is a great picture of high atop Plaza 3 in the Nationwide group of buildings in downtown Columbus.  Nationwide recognized the Pride Holiday by posting rainbow lights on top Plaza 3.  They usually light them up in pink for Breast Cancer awareness, etc, but have never lit them up for Pride before.  Woohoooo!

I am very proud to work for a company that would do this. 

The Pride Festival starts tonight.  I will be working the Bears booth for a few hours, then meet some friends at a party.  Should be a good day regardless of the weather!

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Jesus come to my rescue...

Our Daily Bread
The is a contemporary Christian song about Jesus coming to our rescue.  The first few times I heard it I didn't like the message.  It sounded like the only time the singer called on Jesus was when he needed rescue!  Really?  Seriously?

Then I started thinking about my own life.  I dwell on the opposite side of the spectrum.  I try to do things on my own too much.  I leaned the hard way that there are some things that I cannot do on my own.  I messed up friendships that would have worked, in some small way, if I had given them over to God and put myself aside.  I still struggle with how much "put up with" from friends that obviously don't have my best interests or feelings in mind.  I have cut off friendships for that reason with the hopes that they can be reconciled.  Some have been.  Some have not.  My goal is to do better.  I be more loving, but still protect myself from being abused or taken advantage of.  It is difficult to cut someone out of your life when you care about them.

God wants to be in our lives and flow through our lives.  Let him...

Lord, thank you for rescuing me from the ordinary human life of sin and lust.  Please help me be more like you.

Technology Thursday
There is not much going on right now.  It is sort of boring.  Cloud this.  Cloud that.  New phones.  4G.  LTE HSPA+.  Mergers.  New gaming consoles that really don't measure up.  Every major computer manufacturer conjuring up a tablet computer of some kind.  Microsoft trying to figure out what the heck to do with Windows 8.  Whew.... Blah, blah, blah.  All of this has been going on the past few months. 

I will list out some interesting stuff here when it actually happens again...  ;-)

Other Stuff
I had a nice time at the Nationwide Pride kickoff social last night.  We had a nice time at Level.  Many thanks to Tony, the cute bartender, for taking care of this old bear. 

I forgot to take my allergy medicine yesterday.  I didn't realize it until I dragged into the house after eating supper at Level.  I wondered why I felt so odd.  I feel better today.

Going to do stuff around the house tonight.  I will have a busy weekend with the Pride holiday. 

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

I know, I know....

Our Daily Bread
The Lord tells us in the first part of the scripture "your ways are not my ways..."  I know my ways are not the Lord's ways, I embarrassed to say! 

So how does a person who is a borderline perfectionist really be a good child of God without driving himself/herself crazy?  I finally figured out the answer recently -- relying on and trusting in the grace of God!  Accepting your humanness even though you know it is not the way you should act.  You are not perfect, but God is pleased with you because you are trying your best to please him.  Whenever you feel down about not doing as well as what you want, please remember God saying t his to you:
<>, you are my child in whom in I am well pleased...

It makes a big difference in my day!

Please understand that no matter how serious I sound or if I sound "down" while discussing my spiritual development, I am thrilled that God is working in my life.  He is giving me a quiet, confident joy that I need to be a better child of God.  I wish the same for you!

Lord, thank you for your love and patience.  I want to do my best to please you for the honor of serving you.

Witness Wednesday
I will write more on this topic next week - my 30's.  In short, I came waaayyyy out of the closet and a few years later, I found my only long term relationship (so far...)  ;-)

Other Stuff
I had a nice dinner with friends last night.  We had good food, good conversation and listened to the Illuminati concert CD.  Fun times.

Attending a work function for Pride tonight.  I love going to Level!

My walking buddy invited me to a Pride party on Friday night.  That should be festive.

I hope the weather report changes.  It is supposed to rain in Columbus on Saturday.  No one can rain on our parade!

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

For our own good...

Our Daily Bread
Do you remember hearing this from your parents when you were a child -- "This is for your own good!"  God has many things like that for us, his children, as well.  The devotional talks about the Ten Commandments.

God gave us the Ten Commandments as a basic structure of how to live.  We all know how people are.  God wants us to be different than the rest of the world.  I know I have trouble with this.  I admit that I lashed out at a friend yesterday.  I could have been much nicer and just not contacted him any more.  I was human.  I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me.  The sad thing is that I knew just what to say to cut deep.  I asked God to forgive me and to help me forgive myself.  I pray that the person will forgive me as well. 

Being human is who we are.  Being a child of God and following his will for how we are supposed to act helps bring each of us a little more heaven on earth.

Lord, thank you for your instruction.  I want to do my best to follow your ways even though they are foreign to me, a mere human.

Teaching Tuesday
I have been reading the book Stretch out your hand the past few days.  It is a short book, but very intense.  I have been taking time to read it thoroughly since it has meant a lot to me so far. 

I have been struggling what to pray for and how to pray.  I mentioned that in my article last week.  This book talked about how to pray for people and for yourself.  It also talks about discernment.  That was a biggie for me.  Discernment is listening to God to know what to pray for and how to ask for things for yourself and for others.

Another "a-ha" moment is a key about asking for healing.  The book said you can't really ask God for healing if you (or the person you are praying for) is still doing the destructive behavior that caused the issue.  For me, I can't ask God to heal my eyes or my feet or anything diabetes related health issues until I reach out my hand and accept his healing about my eating habits and weight issues.  It just doesn't work that way. 

Most importantly, God wants each of us to be whole.  That means different things for different people.  A great example is the movie Soul Surfer that I saw last night.  The young girl that had her arm bitten off by a shark was able to reach  more people after her accident that she ever did before the accident.  Her wholeness was not physical, but her wholeness of spirit was a shining beacon to many who needed her inspiration.  I know that I was inspired!

What things do you need to ask God for to make you whole?  Think and pray about that this week.

Other Stuff
I saw the movie last night, which God lead me to.  I needed to see that movie last night.  I thank God for his leadership for knowing what I need and when I need it.  I had a nice walk after that.  It was a beautiful night.  I also had a nice talk with my walking buddy.  Our schedules don't sync up this week, so we will try to walk later in the week if possible. 

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Direct line from the source!

Our Daily Bread
Isn't it refreshing that we have a direct line of grace straight from the manufacturer!  No middle man!  hehehe

Yes, God is our direct line.  I liked the reference to the "being flexible" especially during traumatic times like the earthquake to the oil line.  Trusting God in all situations is the key to that flexibility!

I have to admit that I had a traumatic time last night.  I have been praying and praying about a situation in my life.  The book I am reading gave me some insights yesterday afternoon, so I was trying to be sensitive to what the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me.  The answer I received later last night hurt me terribly.  I guess I needed to hear it and finally understand it.  I am not sure I reacted the best way.  I thought I had been flexible and relying on the Lord (using the terms in the devotional), but things didn't work out.  I am moving on.  There are times when some situations or people are like a consistent diet of fast food -- they are just not healthy for you.  I finally realized that I am not Superman or SuperChristian.  I am just me.  There are some things that are not about how much faith you have or about how good you are.  There is free will on the part of each person.  I thank God for the answer to my question.  I praise God for his healing.  I beg the Holy Spirit for more strength.  My world has been rocked enough the past few years.  I will be fine.  This is an answer to prayer.  Answers are not always easy or what we want to hear.

Lord, I thank you and praise you for discernment.  Thank you for your leadership.  Please forgive me for not being more loving and accepting of where people are.

Movie Monday
I saw the movie Super 8 on Sunday.  It was an interesting flick.  It had some "coming of age" content and some sci-fi content.  It all sort of flowed together pretty well.  There was at least one completely unbelievable scene that almost ruined the movie for me, but I got over it.  In short, the movie is about some kids who witness a train wreck.  An alien creature gets loose and causes havoc in the area.  Lots of nice story lines.  I think you will like it.

I give it two bear paws.  See it at the theater.  There are some neat scenes on the big screen.

Other Stuff
I had a nice time with my dinner group last night.  I really like this group of folks!

If you noticed above, I had a tough time last night.  I ended a friendship with someone that I care about very much.  The relationship was not healthy for me.  I have not been able to find a safe zone for this friendship, so I ended it.  I don't think the person will even care, which is one of the reasons that I didn't feel that bad.  The relationship could have been so much more, but nooooooo!  I thank God for helping me get over this and for moving on.  There are some people that you just can't have a close friendship with.  I am not the kind of person that has only shallow relationships.  I am not built that way...

My prayer group is not meeting tonight.  I suggested we have an email only group.  We have trouble scheduling a face to face meeting over and over.  I don't have time for that.  Oh well.

Hang in there, my friends.  I will be upbeat and steady (as best as I can today).  That is what I do...

Fix Or Repair Daily - Ford...

Our Daily Bread
Comeback player of the year!  Best revival of a musical!  The company was almost never heard from again, but is doing great now!  Yes, those are some of the headlines you might read.  I approached today's devotional in two ways.

Yes, I have gained my weight back plus more.  Yikes.  I need to make a comeback by eating right and exercising as much as I am allowed to.  I am still under doctor's orders to be careful (no straining).  I don't know why I eat to feel better -- because I don't.  I also have a problem with low hormones that is causing some of this as well.  I am due to see the doctor about that soon as well.  Whew.

Second, can we make a comaback in a relationship?  I have a friendship that I messed up.  I have probably mentioned it a thousand times in this blog.  This person is very important to me.  If God really wants us together, then I am praying for a comeback in this person's life, hopefully stronger than ever before.

I realize that some comeback attempts fail, like in the movie The Fighter.  I can deal with that.

Do you need to make a comeback with God or with someone in your life?  Think and pray about it.

Lord, I want to be the winner of the best revival of a good Christian award!


Psalm Sunday
Psalm 13 was featured in one of the devotionals last week.  I especially liked verses 5 and 6.  They really spoke to me that day.  I also liked verse 2.  I wrestle with my thoughts A LOT.  Scenarios I call them.  God is helping me overcome these distractions.  I am learning to detect the scenarios that are valuable and which ones are distractions.  Thank God!  Take a look at this psalm.


Psalm 13
    For the director of music. A psalm of David.
 1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.

Other Stuff
Well, my work stuff was pretty painless yesterday.  Woohooo!  It seems all the fixes we put into production Friday night are working as designed.  <>  I will see how tings go on Monday.

I got a few things done around the house.  Cooked for a while for my potlucks.  Rested.  Ahhhh.  Rested...

I am not sure if I will try to see the movie Super 8 Sunday morning or not.  I am ahead of the game at this point with chores and stuff, so I might have time if I attend early church.  I need a movie to review for Monday!  hehehe

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Say what?

Our Daily Bread
I really don't understand the writings of John in Revelation even though I started studying them at an early age (12 years old).  My thought is why focus on understanding something that no one can really understand or predict?

The other thought I had about the devotion is the idea of the church being the bride of Christ.  I never really liked that symbolism either.  I guess I need to understand what that means in the culture of the time of writing.  It does not make sense to me in this age.

I loved the final saying:

Good deeds don’t make a Christian,
but a Christian does good deeds.

Very cool.  I can focus on that message.  I understand that one...  hehehe

Lord, I don't always understand your mysteries.  I do understand loving you and loving others.


Simply Saturday
I had a odd week.  Whew...  Sort of busy at work.  Sort of busy at home.  Not feeling my best (probably due to my weight gain).  Had to work late tonight (thus the early morning posting).

The work stuff went well tonight.  I am thankful.  I had two weird issues that we resolved quickly.  Both of them were potential "all-nighter" kinds of things.  We figured them out quickly.  Whew!

I did a few things around the house this week.  I also started a new book.  This one is short, but it is having an impact on me so far...

I want to praise God for working in my life.  I am not always the most obedient or attentive child of God.  I am trying to be more consistent in those areas as well.  Paying attention to God providing my needs vs wants has been a big deal for me.  For example, I prayed for something very specific on Tuesday night.  It was what I wanted, not what I needed.  Our merciful God provided what I needed on Wednesday.  I am very thankful. Yes, like in my computer job, we can put out little fires all over or we can get to the root of the problem and fix it.  That is what God is doing.  Did I mention how grateful I am?  ;-)

So next is healing for me.  One of the things the new book mentioned is that it is really no use praying for healing when you continue to do the destructive behavior that causes the problem!  Yikes!  Did that slap me in my big, overgrown belly or what?  I know I have talked about my eating habits a lot in this blog.  I am embarrassed to say they are still an issue for me.  I will be disciplined for a short time, then binge one day after another.  That is obviously not healthy.  I will continue to pray for other kinds of healing, like healing my mind when it comes to eating.  I eat when I am stressed, regardless if I am hungry or not.  I eat inappropriate portions.  Eating this way also damages my psyche as I realize that I haven't truly turned it over to God  Why should God heal me when I will just get sick again from this?

The other thing that I realized this why some things happened the way they did this year.  It was difficult for me to admit some things to myself, but I did.  I apologized to the person I offended.  I was very sad, but I know God has forgiven me.  I think I have forgiven myself.  I need to move on and let the healing begin so I don't act this way in a relationship again.  Insecurity and selfishness is never pretty.  ;-/  I praise God that he is teaching this old bear some new things.  I praise him indeed.

So I have two potlucks to attend this weekend.  A friend's birthday party.  My church dinner group.  I am very excited about them.  I posted the recipes I am going make yesterday.

Please understand that through all of my rants and writings that I love God as best as I can.  I know I have a lot of areas where I need improvement.  I know I have come a long way from where I was.  I also know that God has given me more love to give that I can stand sometimes.  He has also shown me the essence of me that he is most proud of.  I am so thankful.

Hang in there, my friends.  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Eaarrrnnnn it....

Our Daily Bread
I remember an old commercial for an investment firm.  "We get our money the old fashioned way -- we eeeeaaarrrrrrrnnnnnn it".  hehehe  The grace of God and our charge to tell others is not like that.  There is no way we can earn it or ever be worthy to serve our King.

Hmmmmm.  I wonder what people really think about that last statement "ever be worthy to serve our King".  I k now I have been thinking a lot about this lately as I deal with some deep rooted self-esteem issues in some parts of my life.  Those of you that know me realize that my self-esteem in general is very good (maybe too good...).  Like everyone, there are some areas that I am not as confident.  I discovered after talking to my therapist that part of the reason is the long-held thought that "I am not worthy" has spread too far in my psyche.  There is a difference in being humble about your relationship with God and recognizing our place in this world and universe vs being downtrodden or not worthy of being loved by anyone because of the sinner you are inside!  Does this make sense?  God wants us to be whole, humble people.  I hope I made this clear and didn't muck it up too much!

But I digress...  As I mentioned a few other times the past month or two, we have the HONOR of serving God.  It is not a title that we can earn or one that we should boast about.  Tell others.  Don't hide your light under a bushel!

Lord, thank you for the honor of serving you.  I want to do a better job of it.  Also, thank you fory our healing power and for making me whole.

Foodie Friday
I am going to two potlucks this weekend.  I plan to make two of my potato recipes.  Here are the links to the recipes from previous postings:

Twice Baked potato salad

Hash brown casserole

Other Stuff
I was TIRED when I got home last night.  I took a short nap, then did some reading.  I fixed supper and watched a movie.  It was an old one...

I am working at home today and then resting.  I have to work part of the night.  Whew.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Our minds play tricks on us...

Our Daily Bread
The devotional sounded like the person who wrote it followed me around this week!  God has been purifying my mind and heart as I asked.  It has not been easy for me to be upbeat and steady.  Whew!  When I asked God for some help, he gave it to me.  It was not the exact way I had in mind (or what I wanted), but it was exactly what I needed.  Praise God!

So many times the things that seem to assail us are of our own design.  Yikes!  I had never thought of it that way until today.  Ever felt like you lost something that you never had in the first place?  Weird!  Ever think yor lost something and tore the house apart looking for it?  I do this sometimes only to find the thing staring me in the face on my desk!  It is hard getting old!  heheeh

My point is that we we truly strive to give things over to God, these things start to fade away.  Yes, you will still have them.  No, they will not be as bad because you know how to give them over to God now.  It is like taking zinc.  If you take it at the first signs of a cold, your cold will clear up much faster!  Turning things over to God at the first sign of these issues will help you recover much faster as well! 

Here is part of Psalm 13 that I really liked:
Psalm 13
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me.

Lord, thank you for all you do for me and for all of us.  Please help me turn over all of my life to you.

Technology Thursday
Apple made some announcements this week at their developer conference.  There is a new version of the Mac OS coming out.  There is a new version of the iOS (iPhone, Touch and iPad OS) and some new services.

The iCloud service could be cool.  Apple is responding to a new service that Google is offering where people can store their music online and share it to different devices.  iTunes folks can put their purchases there and pull them down whenever they want, including when a device crashes.  There used to be a "only download a song once" rule on iTunes.  If you lost the song somehow, you had to purchase it again.  Yikes!

There is also a lot of new phone releases as vendors try to get the jump on the new iPhone that is supposed to be announced this Fall.  The new Android phones on Verizon look very cool.  The new Android phones on ATT look cool too, but they can't take advantage of LTE since ATT doesn't support it yet!  Hmmm.  Oh well.  We will see how things work out.  I am eligible for a new phone upgrade this month.  I want to wait for the new iPhone.  I will see how patient I can be...  <>

Other Stuff
I had a nice dinner at Applebees and hung out for a  while.  I had to work late too.  Been a busy week.

Going to dinner at my walking buddy's house tonight.  That is always fun.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

What is my motivation...

Our Daily Bread
Have you ever seen the movies about actors who may or may not know what they are doing with their part, so they ask the director "What is my motivation?"  hehehe  Once again the devotional spoke to me like an arrow aimed for my heart!

I was praying last night.  I didn't realize until this morning that I was actually bargaining with God.  "I have been trying so hard...  Why can't have the thing that I want the most?"  I realized this morning, and was embarrassed by the fact, that I was doing the right things for the wrong reasons.  I was acting like a child with Santa Claus.  If I am not on the naughty list, I deserve the things I asked for on my Christmas list!  NOT!  I am not going to get my deepest desires met until I do the right things for the right reasons -- for the HONOR of serving our Lord and to live the no-ordinary-life that only God's children can lead!!

Lord, help each of us to do the right things for the right reasons.  I love you and want to serve you. 

Witness Wednesday
I graduated from college when I was 22 years old.  I spent a few years in what I call "the wilderness" working in a secular job and being a part-time minister of music in a Southern Baptist church.  I worked in a nursing home for a few years. I even considered skipping seminary and being a nursing home administrator for a vocation.  I finally packed up my car and moved to Louisville, Kentucky to attend the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.  It was a horrible experience for me!  I had a horrible time financially.  I worked two or three jobs to make ends meet and they still didn't meet!  I worked this much while still trying to go to school.  I had pretty good grades except for my piano class. I didn't have time to practice so I got a "C".  ;-( 

I had to drop out of school my second semester due to my financial issues.  God told me in my prayers that things would get worse before they would get better.  I confided in a friend that God was going to allow something to happen to me, but not to worry.  God said it would all work out.  Shortly after that I found a lump in a place where there weren't supposed to be any lumps.  ;-(  I had cancer.  The treatment required two surgeries and four months of chemotherapy.  I was a scared, broke seminary student.  I had no idea how I was going to handle all of this. 

It is amazing the freedom that you can have when you place everything in God's hands.  There were days that I would get four pieces of mail.  The first three would be bills that I had no money to pay.  The fourth envelope would contain a check for the amount I needed.  God provided for me over and over again, including the faith to know that I was cured even when the doctors said I wasn't.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God cured me.  BTW, I celebrated 25 years of being cancer free on April 1, 2011!  Praise God!

After recovering from cancer, I worked as much as I could to get back on my feet financially.  I worked in a pawn shop for a few years.  I worked in a tennis club.  I sold auto parts.  Whatever I could do to make ends meet.  I attended church regularly, which was good and bad.  I knew at this point in my life that I was not a bisexual who preferred women.  I was gay.  I expressed this by having crushes on straight guys that I knew would never return my affection.  I was living in a fantasy world.  The problem was that I didn't know any gay people that weren't flaming hairdressers!  I knew I would not fit in with that crowd at all. 

After a second attempt at going to seminary, I looked in the mirror one evening asking God "What am I supposed to do?  I have fought this gay thing for so many years.  What am I supposed to do?"  God gently told me "Why are you fighting me on this?  I made you this way for a reason.  Be the man I made you.  There are others out there that need you to be the man I made you to be."  That talk with God changed my life.  I started using the phrase "God called me to be gay..."  My conservative Southern Baptist friends LOVED that!


I will talk about my coming out and where my life went next during my 30s...

Other Stuff
I started a new book last night.  God really touched me through the first chapter.  I don't know where this road will take me, but I know I need to walk down it.  I have no frickin' clue where I am going at this point.  What does it matter as long as God is leading?  I try soooooo hard to live by that statement, but I can't honestly say that I do.

I am very thankful for God working in my life.  As I wrote yesterday, I had a desire of my heart answered recently.  I am thankful.  I am doing my best to have faith that God help me realize my other desires that he brought to my heart. 

Hang in there, my friends.  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Not gonna bow...

Our Daily Bread
The devotional reminded me of the old song Not Gonna Bow (I am listening to it a few times while I am writing this entry).  It tells the story discussed in the devotional and also includes a modern day story as well.  NO!  We are NOT gonna bow!  hehehe

Despite our best intentions, we all have things that could be counted as idols in our lives (not just American Idol! hehehe).  It could be our jobs.  It could be TV.  It could be a relationship or the search for a relationship. It could be movies.  It could be exercise.  Lots of things.  We first need to identify the things that are idols in our lives.  We then need to say NOT gonna bow to them ANY more.  We can do this!

Lord, thank you for your love and patience with me.  I don't want any idols to come before you!

Teaching Tuesday
God has been speaking to me about some things the past few weeks.  Some of them were hard to verbalize or write about.  I wrote to one friend yesterday about one of the things.  God told me to write about one of the other ones today.

When I was in my 20's I had a terrible fear that has carried through my whole life -- if I couldn't sing, especially at church, would people still like me?  Would they think I was special?  I have been given special treatment because of my singing ability since high school.  It might seem silly to many folks, but it was important to me.

In the process of getting closer to God the past few years, I have not felt like singing as much.  It has not worked out for me to sing that much at church for one reason or another.  Most folks I know at church don't even know that I can sing.  God helped me realize recently that my question has been answered once and for all.  YES!  Yes, people like me even if they know I can sing.  They like me for me, not because of what I can do.

Why is this important?  It is important to me for the development of some parts of my self-esteem.  Those of you that know me even casually can tell I have a lot of self-confidence.  ;-p  There are some areas of my life that are not as strong as others, which is normal.  One area is letting people like me for me and not because of what I can do for them.  I can do lots of things.  God has blessed me that way.

I want to praise God today for finally helping me realize my core self worth.  The part that I have put sort of a facade in front of the past forty years.  Being real is what God wants.  It is what I want.  Praise God!

I share these things to encourage you.  If God can teach this old bear new things, he can surely teach you something if you are open and willing.   Praise God!

Other Stuff
I finished my latest book last night!  Woohoooo!  That one took me a while even though it shouldn't have.  I will start another book tonight.

I fixed a button on a pair of pants last night.  I took a two mile walk.  I should have worked on the lawn, but didn't feel like it.  I rewarded myself by watching an old movie that I found at Walmart the other day -- From Dust til Dawn.  It was a hoot!

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

It should be no surprise...

Our Daily Bread
It should be no surprise that "hard times" come our way, but they usually are.  Losing a job.  Getting the diagnosis of a disease at the doctor's office.  The end of a relationship.  Stuff happens.

The devotional today talks about getting over the surprise quickly so we can rely on God sooner to help us deal with the hard times!  I don't know about you, but I usually wallow in self-pity for a while!  That is just human nature, I guess!  Part of being a child of God is to put aside human nature and become more like Jesus.  I really suck at this part...  I am very sorry to admit.

Lord, I want to be less selfish and insecure so I can be a better beacon for you!

Movie Monday
I saw th4 movie Xmen: First Class on Saturday morning.  Despite some difficulty with the projector in theater 17, I finally got to see the movie in theater 15 an hour later.  The best part is that I got a free movie pass for the inconvenience!  Woohooooo!  But I digress...

The movie was very good.  I enjoyed the background on how the Xmen got started.  How the different factions were started.  How the school was setup initially.  It was cool.  The action was good, though not overwhelming with CGI.  I liked the story line.  Ithought the movie could have been a little shorter, but it held my attention most of the time.

I give this movie three bear paws.  See it in the movie theater.  Some of the scenes are great on the big screen.

Other Stuff

God taught me some stuff about myself the past few weeks.  Too many times I approach things from a position of selfishness and insecurity.  I am not always that way, but I am way too much.  I tried to move away from that position last night when I attended a baseball game with some friends.  There was a guy there that had a mutual attraction.  The problem is that he was with a good friend of mine (sort of with him, it was a little odd...).   Instead of pursuing the guy, I backed off and allowed my friend to spend time with the guy.  It was an interesting evening.

I had an unexpected lunch with some folks from my prayer group yesterday afternoon.  I stopped in Oodles of Noodles for lunch and found them there.  It was a nice surprise.  We are still getting to know each other so spending time together is cool.

I am almost done with my latest book!  This one has taken me a long time to plow through.  I should finish the last chapter tonight.  It will be a little too hot to work in the yard tonight.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Finding a healthy and loving balance...

Our Daily Bread
I have been a book by Markus Borg the past few months.  Yes, I know, I need to finally finish it and move on!  hehehe  I  hope to finish it this week.

One of the most important sections for me so far is the section about the faulty way some folks perceive and adopt as the idea of Christianity -- dying to self.  Dying to self, which includes the ideas in the devotional, is not putting yourself at the back of every priority.  It is having a healthy, Jesus-loves-you view of yourself while still being a loving, caring Christian!  Part of that approach, which is new to some folks, is having a healthy confession of sins on a regular basis.  We can also be wwaaaayyyy to had on ourselves about sins as well.  Being a perfectionist at times, I beat myself up many days for not doing better.  For not being a better Christian.  For not putting aside my sinful flesh.  That is not what God wants.  He wants us to always remember "You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased".  Wow!

Try walking through your day with this thought in mind.  Give your sins and sinful desires over to God.  Praise him for the no ordinary life you are leading as his child!

Lord, I want to be a Christian in my heart, in my heart!

Psalm Sunday
Psalm 12 is the psalm for today.  All I have to say is that there must have been a LOT of wicked people running around during that period of time!  Many of the psalms talk about God punishing the wicked.  The wicked will get what they deserve.  No one mourns the wicked (whoops, that is from the Broadway show!).  hehehe  This psalm also laments how you can't seem to trust anyone, even your neighbors.  It also talks about how God will protect the poor.  That is very cool.


Psalm 12

    For the director of music. According to sheminith. A psalm of David.
 1 Help, LORD, for no one is faithful anymore;
   those who are loyal have vanished from the human race.
2 Everyone lies to their neighbor;
   they flatter with their lips
   but harbor deception in their hearts.

 3 May the LORD silence all flattering lips
   and every boastful tongue—
4 those who say,
   “By our tongues we will prevail;
   our own lips will defend us—who is lord over us?”

 5 “Because the poor are plundered and the needy groan,
   I will now arise,” says the LORD.
   “I will protect them from those who malign them.”
6 And the words of the LORD are flawless,
   like silver purified in a crucible,
   like gold refined seven times.

 7 You, LORD, will keep the needy safe
   and will protect us forever from the wicked,
8 who freely strut about
   when what is vile is honored by the human race.

Other Stuff
I finished laundry last night and read for a while.  It was a relaxing day.  ;-)

I am going to late church this morning, then reading for a while before going to the baseball game this evening. It should be a fun time.

I also heard from a close friend yesterday.  We have been out of touch the past few weeks.  We will get together in the next few weeks.  We may have to wait until after the Pride Holiday.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Keep pounding that message...

Our Daily Bread
I don't know if you experienced this in your life, but I have been in several churches that had Bible-thumping ministers that pounded the message in the pulpit every service.  It was exciting and scary and confusing and inspiring at the same time!  I didn't really enjoy those kinds of preachers then and I sure don't now!

The title of this posting refers to the way God is pounding his message in my head.  Granted, this is what I have been praying for -- for God t speak to me about how I can become closer to him.  For now, it is to put into action (and not just lofty thoughts and speech) these words:

All of us should be an example in word, conduct, love, faith, and purity. That’s how we make an impact for Christ.

I don't think I am very good at any of these things!  Yikes!  God is particularly working on me in the areas of conduct and purity.  I have been better about these two areas in the past 14 months, but I have a long way to go.  I praise God for showing me that cleaning up my act, as they say, is really the best thing for me in the short run and in the long run.  This approach to life, especially the life of a gay man, is very different than most single men.  As I mentioned to my minister once: "I don't know why gay men think they receive a get out of jail free card for fornication!"  God help us all!

Lord, thank you for your leadership and grace.  I want to have an open mind and open heart to recognize when you are speaking to me, whether it be via a devotional or a song or something around me.

Simply Saturday
I have been thinking a lot about prayer the past few months.  I know some people would stop doing something if they thought they were doing it wrong.  With prayer, I ask God to teach me how to pray.  I have been praying some simple prayers when I am not sure what to pray for or how to ask or how to intercede for someone.  They are:
The Lord's Prayer (always a good choice!)

The Thomas Merton prayer (I modify this one to add "be lost, lonely and in the shadow of death" )

Some short sentence prayers, the first of which was taught to me by a former monk, and I modified a little bit:
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, please have mercy on me
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, please have mercy on me a sinner
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, please heal my mind and heart

The point is this: we can get caught up in the WAY we are supposed to pray that we DON'T pray enough.  Paul and others teach us to walk around in a spirit of prayer.  What?  How are we supposed to do our daily tasks if we are down on our knees, hands folded and eyes closed?  ;-p  To me that means we should always be open to God speaking to us, whatever we are doing and wherever we go.

Try some of these prayers.  Ask God to teach you to pray.  I can testify that prayer works.  I have a joke with a friend about prayer: "What mountains are we going to move today?"  hehehe  Prayer and faith are powerful things!

Other Stuff

Going to take it easy today.  There are a few things I wanted to do tonight, but I decided to stay home.  I am going to the movies this morning, the read and do laundry this afternoon/evening.  

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Was there really a book of Nahum?

Our Daily Bread
Was there really a book of Nahum?  I guess there was if it is in major translations of the Bible!  I was not familiar with it.  It is interesting that it is a follow up to the Jonah story with the city of Ninevah.  Very interesting.

The point of the devotional is that we are each responsible for our own salvation...our own sins and reconciliation with God.  No matter how many times we hear that, it still doesn't completely register.

I started thinking of my sins like I do carbs in my diet.  I eat too many carbs.  I sin too much.  When I eat carbs, i have to take insulin to manage my blood sugar.  I have a joke with my coworkers who ask me "How many clicks will that take?" when they see me eating something that is not good for me.  What if I had to inject myself with something more precious each time I sinned?  What if I had to inject myself with the blood of Jesus to atone for each sin?  Would I be so non-nonchalant about "How many clicks?" or would I really try to minimize my sins (like I should try to minimize my carb intake)? 

I think we should use whatever it takes to get through to each of us to help us be more like Jesus.  How many clicks for you?

Lord, thank you for having a relationship with me.  I want to be the best I can be for you.


Foodie Friday
When I was in my mid 20's, I wrote some "Cooking for One" articles for my church newsletter.  Some thought it was odd that a guy was writing that.  Some thought it odd that a man was cooking at all!  Here are some tips from those old newsletters.

1. Don't treat  yourself as a second class citizen -- cook for yourself as time allows.  Do easy stuff (not necessarily microwave stuff, but that is OK too).  Keep it simple for tasty meals with minimal clean up.
2. Build a reliable list of favorites, then expand on them as you have time.  I have several recipes that I make regularly that I love.  One of them is the chicken-stuffing recipe on the back of a Stove Top stuffing box (though I leave out the veggie succotash...).  I love to make simple things that taste great. 
3. Find at least two cookbooks with recipes you like.  Mark your favorites.
4. Cook with friends on occasion to try new recipes and to have some social time.
5. Eat at the table instead of in front of the TV. 
6. Eat healthy meals instead of skipping meals or eating fast food all the time.
7. Make sweet treats for special occasions only.  I have had periods where I wanted something sweet after each meal, including breakfast!  That is not healthy!

You can cook for one and enjoy it!  I know I do!

Other Stuff
I did a lot of stuff around the house last night.  Mowed the lawn.  Worked on the landscaping a little bit.  Worked inside the house a little.  Read a little bit.  Set the AC to a program on the thermostat.  Lots of fun!

I am taking a buddy out to dinner for his birthday tonight.  Not sure about the rest of the weekend.  I have plans to go to the Clippers game with the Bears (CUB) on Sunday.  Saturday night is still up in the air. 

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...

Here comes the Son!

Our Daily Bread
Doo, doo, doo, doooooo, Here comes the Son!  Yes, that is a little silly.  I don't know about you, but I don't think about the second coming of Jesus that much.  It has been said for thousands of years "this could be the day!".  There was even a date advertised by some religious sects recently -- May 21 -- as THE day!  Yikes!

I like the thought of remembering that Christ will come.  We are not exactly sure what will happen.  There are some sketchy details that ministers like to expound on with possibilities.  We will just have to wait and see.  I know that drives some folks crazy! 

What should we do?  IMHO, we should keep on doing what we know is right.  Loving God, loving others and trying to brings God's will to earth like it is in heaven.  We can do this as long as we live or until Jesus returns!

Lord, help me to look to the skies, but not forget what is on the ground!

Technology Thursday
There is a lot more talk about hackers and viruses than ever before.  It appears that hackers are getting "hacked off" and more active than ever.  They are coming up with new ways to attach almost every type of computing device, including phones and online services.  Here are some tips:
1. Don't open emails from folks or companies that you do not know.  There are some viruses that can infect your computer if you just open it or even preview it.  Be careful.
2. Use and keep updated an antivirus and antimalware software solution.  I use the Microsoft Security Center solution, which is free from Microsoft.  The updates come down with my Windows updates.  It is seemless and works pretty well. There are some other free alternatives or you can pay for AV/AM software if you like.
3. Change your passwords regularly on important sites like banking or credit card sites.  Also change  your password regularly on any sites that  store your credit card information. 
4. Use more sophisticated passwords than your birthday, pets names, childrens names, etc...  Those can be easily hacked.  The password should be at least eight characters long.  It should include letters, numbers and special characters like ^&*( (for example). 

Other news
Apple has their WWDC next week (World Wide Developers Conference).  I checked out the preliminary agenda.  There are no planned hardware announcements.  They plan to announce new software and OS developments.  Still should be interesting.  I was hoping for the new iPhone announcement....

Other Stuff
I got a few things done around the house last night and then did some reading.  I decided that I can't see another movie until I finish this one book that has been lingering around my house for a few months now.  ;-p  I will finish it because I want to see the new XMen movie this weekend!

I am thinking about driving to Cincinnati this weekend for the mens chorus concert.  I will figure that out tonight.

Hang in there, my friends!  I will be upbeat and steady.  That is what I do...