I promised last week that I would write about my latest epiphany. I changed the names to protect the innocent. ;-)
I have been working hard on making some personality adjustments the past three years. Considering all the other things I have been through with my health, I am amazed I can find my way to the kitchen each morning much less make personality adjustments! I had another epiphany last week.
There have been two odd relationships in my life the past three years: Ying and Yang. I finally figured out that the two men represented the two unhealthy relationship patterns I have displayed my entire life.
Ying represented the codependency pattern. After much prayer and talking with friends and my therapist, I finally have the strength to treat Ying in the manner required. We are supposed to be close friends with no romantic involvement. I have known this for a long time, but was not strong enough to make this happen. I can do this now. Ying and I are doing great as close friends.
I finally figured out that Yang represented the other pattern I call the angst of unrequited love. ;-( I had this pattern mainly in my 20's when I had crushes on straight guys that I knew would never return the affection. I felt like I never really deserved a relationship (whether with a man or a woman). The angst of unrequited love felt better than feeling nothing at all. I feel so relieved that I finally figured this out. I had lunch with Yang on Friday and told him about the epiphany. It has made our friendship stronger as we both understand what has been going on.
The last part of the epiphany is this: God knows the desires of my heart when it comes to a long-term relationship. He loves me. He has helped me love myself so that I can be patient for the man that he is bringing into my life in that special way.
Why do I write about these highly personal things? I do so for several reasons. First, I want you to know that God can work in your life and make changes at any age. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to change lifelong patterns at my age? :-) God can make this happen if you trust Him and have faith.
Second, I want you to know that God has a plan for your life. He works things to the good of those that love him (Romans 8:28). You can break the negative patterns. I haven't felt this free and unburdened in many years. Praise the Lord!
Lastly, God wants each of us to have the desires of our heart. He guides us to the right people at the right time. Have faith and trust God to identify and believe in the promises He has for us.
I thank all of you for your love and concern and prayers. I am so relieved by all of this. The "inside" of me is becoming stronger each day, week and year.
As I end my blog each day -- I will be upbeat and steady. That is what I do.... Duane
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